How disheartening…

(post written approximately 3 weeks ago. I still need these things, but less every day.)

to realize I’m not yet perfect…

I’m struggling with a kind of deep unhappiness in recent weeks. Those who are close to me have been watching for this for months, surprised at the head with which I’ve handled the circumstances of my year. They’ve kept watch for the ‘meltdown’.
This discontent is how I melt down.

When I say deep unhappiness, I need to make this clear: I have a really good life. I have wonderful people, two jobs I greatly enjoy, and I feel contentment with how I help, how I’m present with those I love.

But I’m often checking out, or disconnected when this is a time of year I generally feel more connected than normal. It’s not depression, though many in my circles are finding themselves there at this moment in time. I’ve been there, so I know this isn’t that.

After handling this year in brilliant fashion, I’m simply disheartened to be in a place where my best simply isn’t enough to make me happy. Where my tools feel like Band-Aids and I can’t summon the level of excitement for my day in a way I’ve become accustomed to.

I ask myself daily what I need, and the answer is always the same.

Time and space to go deep within myself, to create this next phase of expansion and growth from a place of deep inner connection.

I’m writing a lot.
I’m creating new tools.
I’m being reminded of old tools by valued friends
I’m allowing.
I’m moving some each day.
I’m breathing.

This isn’t depression.
This is awareness.